"Trying To Hold Up Darth Vader"

"CREEP JEEP"

"Black Camaro"

"Skippy, True Love Will Find You In The End"

A Daniel Johnston cover (sort of) about Skippy, of "Family Ties," and his heartache over Mallory.

"Bike of Death"

"Pin the Tail on the Donkey"

"The Australian Job"

"Power Shark"

"Marc Farful's In Da House"

"Hard Workin' Man"

"Pizza is the Best"

"Midwest"

"How to Rock Out"

"Why I Wasn't In Menace II Society"

"The Karl Karl Band"

Bloated with false power and self-fulfilling prophecies, The Karl Karl Band continues to have saxophone solos in their music.

"The Karl Karl Band"

Slick corporate power rock. Miami sound. Processed. Streamlined. The soundtrack to having that corner office. Get me some coffee. The Karl Karl Band will deliver.

"Janitor 10: Janitor vs Janitor"

Remember "Janitor 4"? Don't worry, nobody does. Well, in that one he built a time machine and went fifteen minutes into the future, but now future janitor has come back and he's evil (no reason) and it's up to present-day janitor to kill him.

Now you might be asking yourself: Well, if present-day janitor kills future janitor, doesn't that kill present-day janitor in the future? And I guess that's why you'll have to actually watch this one.

"Times Are Tough"

I got laid off from my job at the insurance company, but I'm back with my new invention/career: The Human Pinata! What I do is fill my clothes up with candy and then, while suspended from a tree -- or really anything that can take my weight -- I have kids beat me with wiffle ball bats until the candy falls out. No major injuries as of yet and I'm making anywhere from fifty to seventy-five bucks a gig. Marc Farful! The Human Pinata! Available for parties, bar/bat mitzvahs, corporate events, and family reunions.

"Sajan"

Today I bought a drum set from a man named Sajan -- a good man, an honest man. He helped me load it in to my car. I paid him, and as I did, I looked him straight in the eyes and said "Good doing business with you," as we shook hands. Sajan returned to his minivan and drove off. And just like that, he was out of my life. I haven't seen him since.

"The Title Has Nothing To Do With The Story"

I once almost invited a girl to a bachelor party. It didn't register to me that it wasn't acceptable to do that. But at the time, here was my reasoning: Two days before it, I fully realized I didn't know hardly anyone else going to it, so if it was gonna be some stupid run-of-the-mill bachelor party, I was thinking I'd just split off with this girl and hang out with her. I tried ta call her, but had lost her number.

I look back now and know for certain that there's something(s), plural, wrong with me. If I had pulled it off, though, some would of called me a lunatic; some a maverick, a trailblazer. It's such a fine line I walk -- a tight-wire act, really.

"Man Cave"

"Kevin & Henry Battle The Chocolate Moose"

"Student Film 2: GRAD SCHOOL!"

"Officer Farful"

I was thinking about becoming a cop, so I drove around in the back of a squad car all day and felt like a criminal who was free to ask all the questions he wanted. They even bought me lunch!

"Student Film"

"Janitor 8: Janitor vs Nature"

I finally actually made one.

"Impersonations: Punching Nun Doll"

Originally performed live at, I think, a Radisson's in the middle of nowhere.

"Monster Party"

From the album, "Monster Party!"

"My New Invention!"

Have you ever been reading CliffsNotes and thought: "Man, this is almost as long as the book I don't wanna read"? Well, Marc Farful has heard your cries and invented . . . Abridged CliffsNotes! The most abbreviated, cut-to-the-chase synopsis' you can find. Let us take Moby Dick, for example:

This dude, Captain Ahab, got his leg bit off by a whale and so he goes after him to no avail. Lesson: Cut your losses, especially when dealing with giant killer whale.

"The Two-by-Four-Following-Me-Around Blues"

"Philosophy of Farful"

Conventional wisdom tells us that you can lead a man to water, but you can't make him drink. Farful tells us that you can drown that ungrateful bastard in that very same water! Riverside, motherfucker!

"Canonball! The Movie!"

"Message from Sean Connery"

"Philosophy of Farful"

Trying to control the future is like trying to take the master carpenter's place. When you handle the master carpenter's tools, chances are you'll muss 'um up -- and then, when the master carpenter has a pool party, guess who's not invited.

"Barry?"

I was recently in a convenience store and noticed that my cashier’s name was Barry. This got me thinking: What is the formal version of Barry? Larry is Lawrence, Harry is Harold, but Barry? Nothing. Then it hit me: Barrence.

"I'm A Moron"

I once got "let go" from this job, and I was kind of in shock and my boss asked me if I had any questions and I said " When's my last day?" "Today, Marc, today is your last day," my boss said. It was awhile before I realized how stupid a question that was and also how sad and simultaneously hilarious the response was: "Today, Marc, today is your last day." Brilliant.

"My Bar"

I'd love to have a hip, exclusive bar and have old men as the bartenders; no young attractive girls. And the old men would be so slow and lost. Geez, they'd have trouble getting from one end of the bar to the other.

"Spaghetti Best Western"

"Don't Know Much"

"Message to an Angry, Disaffected 15-Year-Old"

"My Symphony"

When I was 21 or 22, I came up with the idea to write a symphony about my favorite geometric shape, the rhombus. Compositionally, it was going to adhere to the structure of a three-act Aristotelian tragedy, chronicling the rise and fall of the rhombus. Title: “Flight of the Rhombus.” I thought it was a great idea, but not being a composer per se, and not having an orchestra at my disposal, it didn’t seem realistic. Also, the more I thought about it, was writing a symphony about a rhombus worth it? It seemed to be an idea better in the abstract. But something of the rhombus still stirred inside of me, so I wrote this classical piece with a little help from Louis B. Middleton. It’s called “Flight of the Rhombus” because I’m prob’ly never going to, for better or worse, realize that symphony, but for such a crazy idea, it’s pretty cool—I think—that I got even this far.

"Philosophy of Farful"

In order to live a happy and meaningful life, one must distinguish between what is chicken soup for the soul, and what is chicken soup for the bowl. They're both nourishing in their own way, and they both, conceivably, could fit into a bowl. But only one belongs in a bowl.

"Janitor 7: Let's Rock!"

Movie begins with a majestic shot of of the janitor on the beach looking out upon the ocean. Then he leaves his fighting-bad-guys days behind; he just can't do it anymore: "I've seen too much blood that isn't mine," he says. From there, he starts a hardcore punk band called Street Knife and they eventually go nowhere and fizzle out -- and it's at this point that we find out that the whole forming-a-band thing was just a ploy to infiltrate the punk rock underground. Why? you ask. Becuz the head crime lord of the underground punk scene is the illegitimate son of the head drug dealer from Janitor 1, and the guy also made some disparaging remarks about his commanding officer slash mentor, whom he saved in Janitor 2. And he left the military becuz this guy he's trying to take down is a real bastard, and he's not playing by anyone's rules but his own. The film's really an example of how, when you run out of new ideas, you can combine some of your old ones and come up with something that sucks.

"Something To Think About"

Lee Iacocca, former president of Ford Motor Company and former president, CEO, and chairman of the Chrysler Corporation, once wrote in his song “The Best That Money Can’t Buy,” off his 1994 rap record, “Uncle Lee Gets Ill”:

I made a lot a money sellin’ cars/
Jumped behind the wheel and it took me very far/
But success isn’t measured in dollar billz/
Although sometimes it is, so I still got the skillz.

"The Battle of Fort Lauderdale"

The Battle of Fort Lauderdale was a crucial turning point in the Civil War. As it happened, the Confederate soldiers exchanged their muskets for what turned out to be a barrel of pyrite, a.k.a. fool's gold, and musketless, were decimated by the Union forces.

After winning the battle, and also thinking they'd stumbled across a fortune of gold, the Union soldiers partied on the beach like a group of wild teenagers. Of course it was early winter and it was suggested by the Corporal that they come back in the spring, for a break, after the war was over. This is where the term "spring break" comes from and how Fort. Lauderdale got its reputation as party central!

"An Unforgettable Scene from Janitor 2"

The bad guys have all the hostages lined up for the daily head count. The head bad guy, a real mean-looking guy with an eye patch, gets to the janitor. "Look at you," he says with disgust, "a janitor. You make things clean after other people dirty them up. I oughta kill you right now on principle." "Just as long as I don't have to clean up the mess." Head bad guy laughs. "I like you, janitor, but like everyone else on this boat . . . you're gonna die."

"Janitor 3.14 Repeating"

A close-up still shot of the janitor's face -- that's it. The movie has a beginning, but no middle and no end; it goes on forever, like pie. It's the never-ending movie and sequel in one.

"Interview with Ben Franklin"

The following interview was conducted by phone and translated verbatim.

BF: Hello?
M: Dude, what's up? It's Marc.
BF: Yes, I've been expecting your call.
M: So off the bat, last time I saw you was like two months ago in L.A. at that Mexican bar, and you all sorts of popular. What have you been up to since?
BF: Actually, I've been kind of bummed-out.
M: How come?
BF: Dude, I feel like a has-been.
M: A has-been? Why?
BF: Everywhere I go, I see cell phones. This very interview is being conducted via cell phone.
M: I'm missing the point.
BF: Who do you think invented the telephone?
M: I think the technology was developed during World War II.
BF: Alexander Graham Bell.
M: I thought he invented the piano -- yo, remeber in school how there was that big debate over whether the piano belonged to the percussion or string family, and like it got put in percussion, even though just didn't feel right?
BF: Stop talking.
M: Okay.
(Long pause)
BF: I'm saying I feel like Bell has outdone me.
M: That's nonsense. Who invented electricity? You did! And what do phones run on? E-lec-tric-it-e.
BF: Yeah, I guess you're right.
M: Feel better?
BF: Yeah, I do. Thanks, Marc.
M: Good talkin' to ya, Ben Franklin.
BF: Later.
M: Later.

"The History of Chinatown"

A lot of people ask me about the history of Chinatown, and I always have to remind them that there are actually several "Chinatowns," but that the story of the first Chinatown, which originated in New York, begins with a Hungarian immigrant named Pat China.

Pat China made a killing selling high-quality plates and eating utensils -- that he himself crafted -- called Pat's Chinaware (later just known as Chinaware), and also "Fine China." After a rocky start, his business flourished beyong his wildest dreams. But the success went to his head, and soon he was to leave his native Hungary for New York, where he spent his life savings buying up what would now comprise roughly three city blocks. This land he christened "Chinatown," a town that he was the god and ruler of. (It is important to note that Pat originally planned on buying all of what is now Brooklyn, but severly miscomputed the exhange rate of the nieve [pronounced neve and the basis of all Hungarian currency] with that of the dollar.

In the end, the name stuck around, yet sadly Pat China did not: He died of a heart attack four months after stepping foot in America. The dude lived hard.

"Janitor 5"

By far the most philosophical of the series, the film opens with the janitor having just finished watching the Back to the Future trilogy. Now despite Doc's clear message concerning the dangers of time-travel, the janitor can't get past how much fun they had, so he builds a time machine (montage) in his basement. His first experiment is going fifteen minutes into the future, where he witnesses the end of the TV show he was watching. The ending ruined if he goes back to the present, he must live life fifteen minutes in the future.

"Janitor 4: Alien vs Janitor vs Predator"

Again, why not?

"Janitor 3: Alien vs Janitor"

Why not?

"Abraham 'Eazy-E' Lincoln"

I have an idea for a gangsta rapper named Abraham "Eazy-E" Lincoln. He would dress up like Abraham Lincoln, and all his raps would be combinations of "The Gettsyburg Address" and Eazy-E lyrics.

Four scores and seven years ago/I reached back like a pimp and I slapped the ho!

"What Are You Going To Be?"

Sophomore year of high school, everyone had to take this test that told you what you would amount to in life. Mine came back ugly, unsuccessful, and destitute. A bona fide triple-threat, people!

"Thrown for a Loop"

He faked a psych defense, but when he went to the mental institution, it turned out he really was crazy.

"The Ballad of Jeff"

Jeff was on a Van Halen power trip. He thought he was David Lee Roth. The dude was out of control. Halfway through "Runnin' with the Devil," he was arrested in a Denny's for disturbing the peace. He rebounded with Jeffro Tull, a Jethro Tull tribute band consisting of himself and no one else.

Six months passed, Jeffless. He was presumed dead by the authorities. But then he was spotted working at a car wash in Delaware. That was a while ago.

Last I heard, he was hanging outside Radio Shacks, Friday and Saturday nights, just waitin' for something ta happen.

"Science"

Science is fundamental.  Science helped us go to the moon.  It also helped with the Grand Canyon and science.  Scientists wear lab coats so they don't get beer or chemicals on their shirt.

"Where Do They Come From?"

My friend Chris and I were once talking about the old guys at bars who wear Hawaiian shirts. They would almost always be so out of place and we started to wonder where these guys came from, and how you became one of them. I reasoned that it all began with being single well into your thirties, and then one night, you're at a bar, and you look down and you've got a Hawaiian shirt on -- even though you didn't come with one on -- maybe don't even own one. Then you go home and all your drawers and your closet are filled with Hawaiian shirts. The End.

"Janitor 2"

After the first movie, he needs to relax -- unwind -- so he goes out and lives in the woods. But when he finds out via letter that his commanding officer slash mentor has been taken hostage by Communists on a cruise ship, he has to sneak on board, pose as the janitor again, and rescue him -- and the rest of the ship. The first one's better.

"Janitor"

It's a tale as old as time: A Navy Seal, posing as a janitor, cleans up a crime and drug-infested high school, along the way issuing lines to bad guys like: "I'm gonna mop the floor with you, pal!"  And in one scene, a bunch of bad guys are chasing him and he squirts liquid soap on the floor and they all fall.

"Me & Chuck D"

I was that seventeen-year-old white kid in the suburbs listening to Public Enemy and going, "I know exactly what you're talkin' about Chuck."

"The Story of the Old Tree"

With axe in hand, I looked nostagically at the old tree. "Old tree," I said, "I'm sorry, but I have to cut you down." "But why?" said the old tree -- wait a minute, how is this tree talking?

"In Search of Wisdom"

Six days ago, I entered the woods wearing nothing but a loincloth, in search of wisdom. On the third night, I had a dream in which a dog broke its leg. It cried out in pain. The dream startled and troubled me, and now awake and sitting up, breathing heavily, I had a vision of an old man yelling at me to get off his property. As he moved toward me, he tripped and broke his leg. And when he cried out in pain, it was the dog crying out in pain. In the glow of the campfire, their souls mingled and coalesced in a primitive dance.

"Words to Live By"

When I was training to be a dishwasher, my mentor had these adages of his: "Live Fast and Drink A Lot"; "Money's Money"; and "Marco?" until someone said "Polo," which he broke out only at his pool parties.

"An Old Friend"

To the right is a picture of my old pet shark, Danzig. He was the best: kids would come over from school to look at him, he used to bite the shit out of my friends (laugh). It was the best. He lived in this aquarium we had on the second floor and loved speed metal -- I'm talkin' loved it. Anyway, he half-ate this kid who feel in the tank and they blamed it on him -- total bullshit -- and they put him to death. But to the right, in the picture, he's still alive. Yeah, Danzig! Get at yo'self!

"Philosophy of Farful"

If you ignore a problem, it'll feel neglected. This can lead to poor grades, promiscuity, and a low self-opinion.

"Trying Out for the Basketball Team"

My freshman year of high school, I went out for the basketball team. I had a decent tryout, but was cut. By no means was I heartbroken, though. I was a five-foot-five one hundred and two pound white kid who, yes, had made the all-star team his eighth grade year and been the undeniable MVP of aforementioned all-star game, but it also bears mentioning that I was a stand out on a team that was one of the worst grade school basketball teams that has ever existed. And furthermore, I went to a high school that had a serious athletic program, so there were a lot of talented players vying for only so many positions—Basically what I’m saying is that getting cut wasn’t that big a deal.

Anyway, two years passed, and during this time, I had no desire to go out for the team again and thusly did not.

But then, in my senior year, something stirred deep inside of me: I was gonna give it one more try. Why not?

The thing of it, too, was that I had something of a loophole in my favor. See, basketball is a winter sport and I was a member—more or less—of the cross-country team, which is a fall sport. Now this may seem like nothing because I haven’t gotten to the point where I tie it all together and it makes sense, but what you have to realize is this: Because I was a member—again, more or less—of the cross-country team, by the time I was officially allowed to try out for the basketball team, the whole team had pretty much already been picked, save one or two spots left open for people coming from fall sports. So a bunch of kids who were way better and far more talented than me had already gotten cut and I had a chance to in essence “sneak on” to the team, if you will—and even if you won’t, it doesn’t matter; you can’t do anything. Where were we?

Oh, yeah, so I was trying to sneak my way on to the squad.—Actually, that’s not true: at least it’s not entirely true. See, I felt that I had something unique to offer the team in way of a twelfth man. In my mind’s eye, I, like many others, saw the role of the twelfth man on a basketball team as the guy who’s all right but not very good—but who has heart. The underdog kid. And I also knew—I had done an informal poll—that people would come out in droves on the off chance that a now five foot nine one hundred and about fifty pound me might actually get into a game. So the way I saw it, if I made the squad, everybody was a winner.

Cut to: tryouts, and I am awful. I’m talkin’ horrible. Serious garbage. I don’t know any of the drills and it doesn’t even matter because I’m a hundred times slower, weaker, and less skilled than everyone else. At one point, I get rejected so hard it’s like something out of a movie.

And this, my friends, brings us to our end. My monstrosity of a tryout lasted two days and at the end of the second day, as I was packing my bag, the coach came over to me and said, “John, thanks for coming out, but I don’t think I’m gonna be able to use you this year.” I said “Okay” and for a split second, I actually thought: Yeah, okay, he can’t use me this year. And then I had this insanely fast fantasy sequence where I saw myself being kind of redshirted and then coming back and making the team the next year.

Then I remembered that I was a senior.

But what I’ve always thought is the most interesting part of this story—the funniest part is when I get majorly rejected—is that, as the coach walked away, being a kid who had been knocked around a lot already by life, I appreciated and had a sense of humor about the whole thing at the very moment that it happened.

"More About Power Shark"

Power Shark drives a Ferrari, a red one. He bought it with money he stole from his clients back when he was an accountant. In the mid-80s, he worked for the government "taking out the trash," as he puts it. The Power Shark has one eye that's bigger than the other, but that's pretty normal.

"Where Can I Go?"

Sometimes when I'm at lunch all alone at work--let's say, Subway--I think about just not going back. Never going back. But where would I go? The mall? Yeah, I guess I could go to the mall. But then where? Prob'ly back to work--Wait, that's missing the whole point. Where could I go that's not the mall? Or work.

"The Power Shark"

The Power Shark is the most poweful shark there is--and has ever been. It's more powerful than the Maco, Tiger, and Great White. It's also very dangerous; it's more dangerous than Jaws.

"Check This Out, Part 2: Checking Something Else Out"

I give you the Cruella Cadillac de Vil drawing!

"Behold"

Dear Nick:

Robert Louis Stevenson once wrote: “Oft a man holds gold in his hand and does not know it.” Well, on January 24th, 2009, Nick, you held gold in your hand and didn’t know it, and neither did I—but I would the following afternoon. What the hell am I talking about? The house with wings, Nick! That’s your ticket to architectural fame and fortune. It’s brilliant becuz, if a flood or something else bad comes, the house can just fly away. And the technology’s there, Nick. It’s so simple, it’s genius. Enclosed is a slightly crude schematic of “The Flying House!” Note: It is not drawn to scale.

Best Regards,

Marc Farful

"Check This Out"

Check this out: I've designed a new kind of car: The Cruella Cadillac de Vil. It's a Cadillac DeVille, but it comes with a Cruella de Vil fur coat, a cigarette holder, and the car has 101 dalmation paw prints on it. I'd buy it.

"Something Cool Clint Eastwood Would Say"

"When you're looking at me, you're staring down the barrel of a loaded gun." Awesome, Clint! Awesome.

"Being Responsible"

Dear Library,

I have an outstanding balance of two cents via a late fee. I have enclosed the sum.

Sincerely,

Marc Farful

"Good Ol' Mom"

I remember on my first day of school, I was walking out the door and my mom said, "Marc." "What?" "Not everyone's gonna like you."