"CKY Landspeed (1999) - Santa in West Chester Skit & Santas Coming"

"Fast Guitar Tapping"

"When The Punk Kid Knows More Than 3 Chords"

Best pop-punk channel on YouTube. Check it out! 

"Teen Wolf -- Coach Finstock's Word's of Wisdom"

Scott Howard: "You see, Coach, I just don't think it's be possible for me to play on the team anymore."

Coach Finstock: "Oh, yeah. Well, look, Scotty, I know what you're goin' through. Couple years back, a kid came to me much the same way you're coming to me now. Saying to me pretty much the same thing you're saying. He wanted to drop off the team. His mother was a widow, all crippled up. She was scrubbing floors. She had this pin in her hip. So he wanted to drop basketball and get a job. Now these were poor people, these were hungry people with real problems. Understand what I'm saying?

Scott Howard: "What happened to the kid?"

Coach Finstock: "I don't know. He quit. He was a third stringer, I didn't need him.”

"Teen Wolf -- Coach Finstock's 3 Rules"

Never get less than 12 hours of sleep.

Never play cards with a guy whose got the same first name as a city. 

And never go near a lady whose got a tattoo of a dagger on her body.

"A Quiet Night of Poetry with Henry Rollins"

"How To Make A Great Short Film For No Money"

"Brendan and Cory" (Watch Their Movies!)

These guys make really funny, really unique movies. You should go to their YouTube page and watch them and subscribe. 

https://www.youtube.com/@BrendanandCory

"Black Friday"

Bought a pair of acid wash jeans and a mesh T-shirt. Only cost me 200 bucks. Nailed it!   

"Crime Is Up In Old Detroit"

So I've installed a new home security system: ED-209. 

He's indestructible. 

He cannot be defeated! 

(Just ask a guy named Kenny.) 

The only one who could ever beat him 

was Robocop, but Robocop's from a movie; 

he's not a real guy.  

"I've Been Losing Weight, But . . ."

 

I can't get rid of these

thunder thighs! 

What's a lad to do?!

"Today Is My Birthday"

Like the title says, today is my birthday and I'd thought I'd share my yearly birthday horoscope: 

With Venus in Mercury's retrograde, you'll experience unheard of lows and excruciating pain this year. In short, nothing -- nada -- will go right for you. Your health is terrible and shall only get worse -- you will begin to have to wear white athletic socks on your hands due to a sightly rash. 

You will not get any chicks.

Money: Big problems.   

All hell will rain down upon you. You will wish you were never born. 

"Always be the fountain, not the drain."

"The Genius of Brandon DiCamillo"

Buy his Cattle Bag DVD. 

"Geez Louise!"

Why can't women have unattractive male haircuts and still be found attractive? It's called progress, people. Geez Louise!

"City Nights" - Allan Holdsworth Cover (Tribute)"

"Richie Kotzen Tribute"

"Albert Einstein"

Albert Einstein is one of the smartest people to ever live. He built the nuclear bomb so we can kill dumb people. His wife wrote the "Theory of Relativity," but Einstein stole it from her when she was asleep. He was also an actor starring in the movie "I.Q." with Tim Robbins and Meg Ryan. That's where he made most of his money. He died in 1998.

"Allan Holdsworth Tribute"

"Brad Pitt And His Wonderful Microchip"

Now that it's been confirmed that Brad Pitt put a microchip into all the Corona virus vaccines, and can follow and control me whenever he wants, I have to say I think we've really grown to become friends; I've never felt closer to Brad. In fact, my life's never been better with Brad by side: It's comforting knowing someone so cool and successful is looking out for me, and I've never gotten so many women in my life (a fact I can only attribute to Brad's microchip presence.)

Bravo, Mr. Pitt! Bravo!

Sincerely,

A fan and now a friend

   

"Life and Death"

"Nathan Fielder Genius Moment on Conan"

"The Dumbest Advice I've Heard In Awhile"

 "If I had my life to live over, I'd make all the same mistakes. I'd just make them sooner."

Why wouldn't you not make the same mistakes and only make the best decisions? And why would making them sooner necessarily be any better?

"New Car!"

 This is my new car . . . and, yes, I'm getting a lot of women because of it.

"Science Camp"

"Head Wound: The Movie"

"Retirement"

 I wonder if a good retirement present is pizza, assuming that person likes pizza. 

"I Have A Stain On My Pants"

I have a stain on my pants. Usually this wouldn't be a problem, but I just put a load of laundry in and then I noticed once I'd left the apartment--the stain. Is it excessive to wash the pants by themselves next--I mean, if I wait, can a stain really get worse? I don't know: I failed science. Christ! What I wouldn't give to go back in time and pay attention in science class! I was such a know-it-all asshole jerk!

Anyway, I'm totally lost here. If anyone knows what to do, please call me at 610-715-2938. I'll be waiting for your call.   

"If Misery Loves Company . . ."

"My Talking Henry Rollins!"

"Don't Shoot! Don't Shoot!"

"Tyler New Bowl Cut"

"Tyler Bad Bowl Cut"

"Economics"

When I was in fifth grade, I played on the little league baseball team. I also used to mow lawns to earn money. Then one day, I paid this older guy, Duff, a bunch of my lawn mowing money to buy me two forties and a case of cheap beer. I drank it all in the woods and then headed to my baseball game. Man, did I feel great! But then once the game started I didn't feel so good; in fact, I had never felt sicker in my entire life. I don't remember much, but apparently I had alcohol poisoning and they had to call an ambulance and rush me to the hospital. I kind of got cut from the team and then the same thing kind of happened with my lawn mowing job. My parents were none too happy. They wanted the name of the guy who bought me the beer, but I lied and said he was in a gang and would kill all of us if I ratted on him.

Duff did a bad thing for buying a fifth-grader enough alcohol to kill him, but we all have to make a living somehow. 

"The Boxing Nun"

This is comedic genius!

"My Friend, the Musician"

 My friend is a singer-songwriter and he has a gig tonight, but he just texted me that he got a last-minute all-female Satanic backing band. They allegedly burned down the last place they played and killed the owner, although none of it could be proven in court. That's the legal system for ya! Should be a killer show!!! 

"H&R Glock"

Today, I did my taxes at a large tax service chain that rhymes with H&R Glock. "Steve" (his actual name) and I ripped through the tax code, working like hungry, cunning dogs ("Steve" did everything) until my taxes were complete. I think I kind of came out even, although the fact I don't really know basic math anymore prohibits me from knowing anything. And was I just another number to "Steve"? Did the guy ever give a shit about me in the first place? I've always wanted an amazing relationship with my accountant -- the kind of accountant who would cheat me some because he was in deep with some bookie, but take a bullet for me. The kind of accountant who would end up getting shot in the back and killed by a mugger just for his wedding ring, watch, and the few dollars in his wallet. 

That's how I'd end up at H&R Glock.   

"Helping A Friend"

A friend on Facebook posted about how they've been feeling ugly, so I responded about how I feel ugly all the time because I am ugly. I think it helped their self-esteem a lot.  

"Letters from the Janitor's Closet"

When I first got to college, I wrote the following two letters on napkins and mailed them to my Mom. I thought they were pretty funny. I intended to somehow keep them going and turn the whole thing into a long, epic tale, but I only managed two. Here they are:

Dear Mom,

    School is, well, going, I guess. Due to pre-existing water damage (you think they would of told me), my dorm room was condemned and so I've been reassigned to the janitor's closet. He's a nice guy and sympathizes with my predicament -- he even let me borrow some of his stationary for this letter. Anyway, I wish I could say my fellow students are as kind: It's not easy being the kid who lives in the janitor's closet. I don't know if there's a lesson to be learned in that, but I've learned it all the same. 

    Well, I'll keep you posted as things progress -- In fact, I've been thinking about turning this whole experience into a positive -- a book called Letters from the Janitor's Closet." Maybe this will be my first letter.  

Keep you posted,

Your son, Marc

Dear Mom,

    I think this is the low point. No one likes me -- and they're quite vocal about it! The ugly janitor closet boy, they call me. However accurate their ridicule is (sometimes they add in "that smells like cleaning supplies") it doesn't mean it stings any less. What do I do? Counteract with violence? Yes, I know that would be your move. Good old violent Mom! Oh, man! The next kid that steps to me is gettin' beaten ta death with a broom.

Your son,

Marc 

"How To Win A Girl Over"

A lot of times, a good way to win a girl over is to do something creepy, like write an entire song about her, even though you barely you know her. Women love music--and unwelcome advances!

"Check Out Ben Marshall's Comedy -- I GOT VACCINATED!!!"

Check out this guy's youtube page. Some great stuff! 

"Financial Windfall!"

I finally hit $6.81 in Wells Fargo Rewards money and I'm having a hell of a time deciding between buying a helicopter and a brand-new house in the Hollywood Hills. Both are such great buys, and to be honest, I almost have enough for both, but not quite, and this massive $6.81 is burnin' a goddamn hole in my pocket like you wouldn't believe. 

I gotta pull the trigger on one of them.

Let's look at the pros and cons of the helicopter.

Pros:

--This thing is bad ass. 

--Yes, I'm going to be getting an insane amount of women just owning this thing, let alone if I ever fly it somewhere. 

--All the new helicopter friends I'll make.

--If we go to war, I can just put machine guns on the sides and I'm set.

--Incredibly fuel-efficient. (I wasn't gonna buy it if it wasn't green.)

Cons:

--There actually aren't any.

Pros and cons of the house in the Hollywood Hills. 

Pros: 

--Even more women than I get with the helicopter.

--Living in the lap of luxury (and you know it has a great pool).

--If we go to war, I can just put machine guns on the sides and I'm set.

--The $6.81 will allow me to buy it outright in cash (no mortgage payments).

--Making friends with the rich and powerful, who also love to party!

Cons:

--Zero.

So, I'm gonna go with the house, mainly because I'd like not to be homeless. Yes, it is possible to live in a helicopter, but it's pretty rough and I feel like the mansion in the hills is my chapter one and helicopter is my chapter two. I know it's cliche, but it's science. Ya gotta do it. You'll thank me in the morning.

   

"Ask Farful"

Q: Anything.

A: In this book. 

MxPx - Chick Magnet

Classic.

"Becoming An Adult"

You know you're becoming an adult when you get unduly excited on a Sunday about all the laundry you're gonna get done, so you're set for the coming work week. It's pathetic. But you're not alone. 

"Ask Farful"

 Q: If I really like a girl, do you think buying her Twisted Sister's album, Stay Hungry, is a good first move? *Keep in mind I've never spoken to her, only stared at her at the bowling alley.

A: Yes.