"A True Story"

A couple years ago, I was visited by space aliens. They invited me onto their ship and off we went.

On their ship, they had a movie theater—a giant one—that was also an arcade and a roller rink.

The movie we saw was deplorable and we left less than half way through; it was a tedious examination of apathy gone horribly wrong—or something like that.

As we were leaving the theater, one of the space aliens was apologizing for the movie—he spoke fluent English—and I told him not to worry, but it really burned me: I didn’t get woken up in the middle of the night to get on some awesome space ship only to see some crappy movie. They should’ve seen the movie beforehand to make sure it was good. What a letdown.

"A Little Piece of Advice"

Never—NEVER!—trust a man in a cowboy hat. It’s just bad business, dude.

"My Dream Woman"

My dream woman is a complicated and dangerous individual—somewhere between good clean fun and a bad haircut. My dream woman smells like chlorine, is unpredictably violent, a lover of the arts, and an avid badminton player. She also speaks Chinese. My dream woman fancies herself an intellectual, but in all actuality despises herself and the knowledge that possesses her. She has no table manners to speak of and is crude and uncouth almost on purpose. My dream woman fears gingerbread. In my mind’s eye, my dream woman will be the undoing of me. She will set fire to all my institutions. She will laugh and watch daytime television as she scorches the landscape of my soul. Such is my dream woman.

"My New Year's Resolution"

My New Year’s resolution for 2008 is to build a trash can that can race me to my dumpster. Also, while we’re on the subject of 2008, the machines have yet to become self-aware and try to destroy us, there are no flying cars, and as far as I know, we are nowhere near a working prototype—maybe not even a non-working prototype.