"Retirement"

 I wonder if a good retirement present is pizza, assuming that person likes pizza. 

"I Have A Stain On My Pants"

I have a stain on my pants. Usually this wouldn't be a problem, but I just put a load of laundry in and then I noticed once I'd left the apartment--the stain. Is it excessive to wash the pants by themselves next--I mean, if I wait, can a stain really get worse? I don't know: I failed science. Christ! What I wouldn't give to go back in time and pay attention in science class! I was such a know-it-all asshole jerk!

Anyway, I'm totally lost here. If anyone knows what to do, please call me at 610-715-2938. I'll be waiting for your call.   

"If Misery Loves Company . . ."

"My Talking Henry Rollins!"

"Don't Shoot! Don't Shoot!"

"Tyler New Bowl Cut"

"Tyler Bad Bowl Cut"

"Economics"

When I was in fifth grade, I played on the little league baseball team. I also used to mow lawns to earn money. Then one day, I paid this older guy, Duff, a bunch of my lawn mowing money to buy me two forties and a case of cheap beer. I drank it all in the woods and then headed to my baseball game. Man, did I feel great! But then once the game started I didn't feel so good; in fact, I had never felt sicker in my entire life. I don't remember much, but apparently I had alcohol poisoning and they had to call an ambulance and rush me to the hospital. I kind of got cut from the team and then the same thing kind of happened with my lawn mowing job. My parents were none too happy. They wanted the name of the guy who bought me the beer, but I lied and said he was in a gang and would kill all of us if I ratted on him.

Duff did a bad thing for buying a fifth-grader enough alcohol to kill him, but we all have to make a living somehow. 

"The Boxing Nun"

This is comedic genius!

"My Friend, the Musician"

 My friend is a singer-songwriter and he has a gig tonight, but he just texted me that he got a last-minute all-female Satanic backing band. They allegedly burned down the last place they played and killed the owner, although none of it could be proven in court. That's the legal system for ya! Should be a killer show!!!