"Fashion Makes The Man"

Growing up, my older brother and I practiced piano eighteen hours a day in hopes of becoming concert pianists. Sadly, our ridiculous outfits kept us from reaching that goal.

"Child Labor"

As a toddler, I was put to work cleaning houses. My parents claimed all the money went to charity. However, that never seemed to explain the Porsches in the driveway.

"Junior Prom"

I took this girl to my junior prom. Try slow dancing with a girl covered in blood -- No, I'm serious: I highly recommend it.

"Buttered Husband Syndrome"

When I was arrested for killing my wife, I used the "buttered husband" defense, because she used to throw sticks of butter at me, while yelling, "Dance, butter boy! Dance!"

Every man has his breaking point.

"My Social Life"

I'm at a point where the only phone calls I get are the occasional automated ones from CVS pharmacy, telling me that my prescription is ready for pick up. Sometimes, I'll miss a call and see that I have a voicemail. But it's just a message from CVS pharmacy telling me that my prescription is ready for pick up.

"Anyone Else?"

Hey, did anyone else buy those X-ray glasses from the back of a magazine? Mine totally don't work. Do yours? I'm beginning to think I got ripped off.

"Why?"

Why do prison guards wear those loud dress shoes? Why don't they wear slippers? That way, if a prisoner was trying to escape from his cell, he'd never hear the guard coming.

"SBF"

As a white male, I would like to star in a film entitled "SBF," which stands for single black female. In the movie, I'm being chased by the CIA for some bogus reason and I have to rely on my wits and courage to survive.

"Pain In The Ass Student"