"The Battle of Fort Lauderdale"

The Battle of Fort Lauderdale was a crucial turning point in the Civil War. As it happened, the Confederate soldiers exchanged their muskets for what turned out to be a barrel of pyrite, a.k.a. fool's gold, and musketless, were decimated by the Union forces.

After winning the battle, and also thinking they'd stumbled across a fortune of gold, the Union soldiers partied on the beach like a group of wild teenagers. Of course it was early winter and it was suggested by the Corporal that they come back in the spring, for a break, after the war was over. This is where the term "spring break" comes from and how Fort. Lauderdale got its reputation as party central!

"An Unforgettable Scene from Janitor 2"

The bad guys have all the hostages lined up for the daily head count. The head bad guy, a real mean-looking guy with an eye patch, gets to the janitor. "Look at you," he says with disgust, "a janitor. You make things clean after other people dirty them up. I oughta kill you right now on principle." "Just as long as I don't have to clean up the mess." Head bad guy laughs. "I like you, janitor, but like everyone else on this boat . . . you're gonna die."

"Janitor 3.14 Repeating"

A close-up still shot of the janitor's face -- that's it. The movie has a beginning, but no middle and no end; it goes on forever, like pie. It's the never-ending movie and sequel in one.

"Interview with Ben Franklin"

The following interview was conducted by phone and translated verbatim.

BF: Hello?
M: Dude, what's up? It's Marc.
BF: Yes, I've been expecting your call.
M: So off the bat, last time I saw you was like two months ago in L.A. at that Mexican bar, and you all sorts of popular. What have you been up to since?
BF: Actually, I've been kind of bummed-out.
M: How come?
BF: Dude, I feel like a has-been.
M: A has-been? Why?
BF: Everywhere I go, I see cell phones. This very interview is being conducted via cell phone.
M: I'm missing the point.
BF: Who do you think invented the telephone?
M: I think the technology was developed during World War II.
BF: Alexander Graham Bell.
M: I thought he invented the piano -- yo, remeber in school how there was that big debate over whether the piano belonged to the percussion or string family, and like it got put in percussion, even though just didn't feel right?
BF: Stop talking.
M: Okay.
(Long pause)
BF: I'm saying I feel like Bell has outdone me.
M: That's nonsense. Who invented electricity? You did! And what do phones run on? E-lec-tric-it-e.
BF: Yeah, I guess you're right.
M: Feel better?
BF: Yeah, I do. Thanks, Marc.
M: Good talkin' to ya, Ben Franklin.
BF: Later.
M: Later.

"The History of Chinatown"

A lot of people ask me about the history of Chinatown, and I always have to remind them that there are actually several "Chinatowns," but that the story of the first Chinatown, which originated in New York, begins with a Hungarian immigrant named Pat China.

Pat China made a killing selling high-quality plates and eating utensils -- that he himself crafted -- called Pat's Chinaware (later just known as Chinaware), and also "Fine China." After a rocky start, his business flourished beyong his wildest dreams. But the success went to his head, and soon he was to leave his native Hungary for New York, where he spent his life savings buying up what would now comprise roughly three city blocks. This land he christened "Chinatown," a town that he was the god and ruler of. (It is important to note that Pat originally planned on buying all of what is now Brooklyn, but severly miscomputed the exhange rate of the nieve [pronounced neve and the basis of all Hungarian currency] with that of the dollar.

In the end, the name stuck around, yet sadly Pat China did not: He died of a heart attack four months after stepping foot in America. The dude lived hard.

"Janitor 5"

By far the most philosophical of the series, the film opens with the janitor having just finished watching the Back to the Future trilogy. Now despite Doc's clear message concerning the dangers of time-travel, the janitor can't get past how much fun they had, so he builds a time machine (montage) in his basement. His first experiment is going fifteen minutes into the future, where he witnesses the end of the TV show he was watching. The ending ruined if he goes back to the present, he must live life fifteen minutes in the future.

"Janitor 4: Alien vs Janitor vs Predator"

Again, why not?

"Janitor 3: Alien vs Janitor"

Why not?

"Abraham 'Eazy-E' Lincoln"

I have an idea for a gangsta rapper named Abraham "Eazy-E" Lincoln. He would dress up like Abraham Lincoln, and all his raps would be combinations of "The Gettsyburg Address" and Eazy-E lyrics.

Four scores and seven years ago/I reached back like a pimp and I slapped the ho!

"What Are You Going To Be?"

Sophomore year of high school, everyone had to take this test that told you what you would amount to in life. Mine came back ugly, unsuccessful, and destitute. A bona fide triple-threat, people!

"Thrown for a Loop"

He faked a psych defense, but when he went to the mental institution, it turned out he really was crazy.