"In College . . ."

In college, I majored in English and Communications, but I look back and my mom was right: I should have majored in death metal and partying.

"Eddie Van Halen Meets Midi Shred"

"Joke Book Theme Song"

"1,001 Jokes"

I tried to write one of those huge joke books, but I only came up with 39. Here they are!

Why was Dracula so sad after his divorce?
Because he got sucked dry!

What did the hammer say to the nail?
Nothing! Hammer's can't talk.

Why was the artist elephant always happy?
 Because it didn't matter if he only made peanuts; he was an elephant. He loved peanuts!

Whenever I'm around women, I feel like a magician—because I'm always making them disappear.

What did the dentist say to the dog?
 Let me see those canines.

What did the cow say to the person sitting who was sitting too close to him?
"Mooooooove over!"

Why was the drunkard looking forward to jail?
 Because he heard there were a lot of bars in prison!

What did the trash can do when it got angry?
 It flipped its lid!

Why didn’t the skeleton go swimming?
 He wanted to stay bone-dry!

Why did the mummy’s girlfriend dump him?
 He was too wrapped up in himself.

What was the couch’s reply when the chair asked him how life was going?
 Sofa, so good.

Your momma’s so dumb, she went to Sunday school on Monday!

What did the Mama fish say to her son, after his girlfriend broke up with him?
Don't worry, son, there's plenty of fish in the sea.

What did the waitress say to the skeleton as she prepared to take his order?
“Waiting long?”

What member of the animal kingdom is the most fun?
The party animal!

What’s a materialistic person’s favorite fish?
A goldfish.

Why did the clock play drums?
Because he was the best at keeping time.

What food likes to show off the most?
The hot dog.

Why was the kitten unhappy with everything he did?
Because he was a purrfectionist.

Why did the bank have washing machines?
Because they were laundering money!

Why did the dog decide not to buy the house?
It had a bad roof! roof!

Why did the burglar only steal lamps?
Because he didn’t wanna get more than a light sentence.

Why did the principal call the sheep’s parents?
Because their son was doing so baaaaaaad in school.

What did the cat say after he burped?
Pawdon me.

Where did the cat sell his unwanted things?
At the Paw shop.

Why do they call them horseshoe crabs?
They don’t have any horseshoes.

What did the track coach say to the dog that was running too slow?
Quit doggin’ it.

Why couldn’t the guy kill himself?
He was trying to write a suicide note, but got writer’s block.

Why did the veterinarian love it when it rained cats and dogs?
More business!

What’s the coldest country in the world?
Chile.

What kind of shark do you pay money to?
A loan shark.

What do you call it when a car smashes into another car and then drives away?
Bad carma.

What’s the easiest pet to take care of?
A pet rock!

What did the cello say when he saw his old friend, the violin?
Chello!

What did the skeleton say to his dinner guests?
Bone appetit!

Which dogs are the holiest?
St. Bernards!

How did the cat stay in shape?
Cat-a-sthenics.

What did the boy sheep say to the girl sheep when he asked her out?
Wool you like to go on a date with me?

What’s an alcoholic’s favorite way to drive?
Booze control!

"New Bumble Dating Profile"

Just another acid casualty looking for love--and a place to stay. Play guitar in an unbearably unfocused psychedelic band. Consider following a Grateful Dead tour the greatest achievement of my life.