"Handsome Magazine"

"White Lion With A White Lion Tattoo"

"Xmas Is The Bomb"

"Dracula"

The pressures of fame led Dracula to become a recluse for most of his early thirties. Because of his success in film, especially, he could no longer just be little old Dracula from Transylvania; he had to "Dracula." Man, he hated having to wear the same thing every day. One time, he showed up to a barbecue in jeans. It was a disaster.

"A Story About A Chair"

A chair kidnapped another chair. It was awkward cuz he had to tie the chair to a third chair. He beat and killed the chair. Why? Chairs have no motives. The police interrogated the chair for hours, but he didn't say a word. At one point, one of the detectives accidentally sat on him -- honest mistake.

But they had the evidence. It went to trial. "A heinous crime!" the judge decreed. "Give 'em the chair!" the angry mob shouted. This was better than giving a poisonous snake lethal injection, or a can of cyanide the gas chamber. This was a chance to give a chair, the chair!

As he sat there, strapped in, they said: "Any last words?" "This is like a gun getting the firing squad." He sighed. "Just hit it. Give me the juice."  

"Captain Ron"

Few know that Marlon Brando was originally slated to play the character of Captain Ron (in the film of the same name), but pulled out two weeks before production, citing personal issues. The producers, in dire straits, tried to secure Mel Gibson, who had been their second choice; however, he was already in the middle of shooting "Air America," with Robert Downey Jr. Finally, Kurt Russell was brought in on the recommendation of fellow cast member Martin Short. Now it seems impossible to imagine anyone but Kurt Russell playing the role of the free-spirited, unpredictable, immensely lovable Captain Ron.

"Snakeskin Pants"

Love Knife "An Evening With John Rafferty & David Fox"

A song-poem record I made with David Fox. Listen to the entire album here: http://loveknife1.bandcamp.com/

"Can I Be The Best Person In The Whole Wide World?"

"Black Camaro"

"I'm Fat"

"The Sparrow"

"Janitor"

"I Had A Panic Attack"

"Satan"

"I Don't Like Cats Or Dogs"

"My Car Goes Fast"

"White Guilt"

"In That Room"

"Did You Know?"

It was Colonel Sanders military training that allowed him to make such tasty fried chicken.

"My Heart Has Lost Its Compass"

"Friday Nights"

On Friday nights, when no one wants anything to do with me, I'll go out and rob senior citizens. "Don't be a hero, old man!"

"A Very Angry Letter"

"Powder Room"

"On Getting Dumped"

Getting dumped is never easy. But if a girl was gonna dump me (I can't believe she's even dating me), it be nice to see some effort put into it. Like, she could invite me to the beach and then have one of those planes with the signs fly by, and the sign would read: "You're history, loser!" Talk about an A for effort.

"If . . . "

If you name your band Shark Attack, one, that's an awesome name, and, two, your first album should be called "Blood is in the Water."

"Fashion Makes The Man"

Growing up, my older brother and I practiced piano eighteen hours a day in hopes of becoming concert pianists. Sadly, our ridiculous outfits kept us from reaching that goal.

"Child Labor"

As a toddler, I was put to work cleaning houses. My parents claimed all the money went to charity. However, that never seemed to explain the Porsches in the driveway.

"Junior Prom"

I took this girl to my junior prom. Try slow dancing with a girl covered in blood -- No, I'm serious: I highly recommend it.

"Buttered Husband Syndrome"

When I was arrested for killing my wife, I used the "buttered husband" defense, because she used to throw sticks of butter at me, while yelling, "Dance, butter boy! Dance!"

Every man has his breaking point.

"My Social Life"

I'm at a point where the only phone calls I get are the occasional automated ones from CVS pharmacy, telling me that my prescription is ready for pick up. Sometimes, I'll miss a call and see that I have a voicemail. But it's just a message from CVS pharmacy telling me that my prescription is ready for pick up.

"Anyone Else?"

Hey, did anyone else buy those X-ray glasses from the back of a magazine? Mine totally don't work. Do yours? I'm beginning to think I got ripped off.

"Why?"

Why do prison guards wear those loud dress shoes? Why don't they wear slippers? That way, if a prisoner was trying to escape from his cell, he'd never hear the guard coming.

"SBF"

As a white male, I would like to star in a film entitled "SBF," which stands for single black female. In the movie, I'm being chased by the CIA for some bogus reason and I have to rely on my wits and courage to survive.

"Pain In The Ass Student"

"She Never Loved Me"

"Black Camaro"

"The Lovely Lads"

I've formed a street gang with a bunch of ten-year-olds in my neighborhood called The Lovely Lads. We're a bunch of true roughknecks, delinquents. We rule these suburban streets. On Saturday nights, we also dress in maroon velvet suits and sing barbershop quartet music on the sidewalk.

There's one funny-looking old man that we make good sport of; one time, we beat him down for kicks. Nothing lovely about that. Keep it up, old man. See where that goes.

"Dear Katherine"

     I’m reaching out to you because I’m in great need of some emotional and spiritual support. I’ve spent the last five days in a women’s correctional facility. A tragic mix-up. “Clerical error,” as they put it, falls very short, I can tell you, as a description. Those women mistook my kindness for weakness and all I can say is that they’ve got a lot of growing up to do -- Ridiculous, just ridiculous! their behavior. Way out of line! Way out of line!
     Now that I’m out, a free man, I’m not sure what my next move should be. The counselor in the lady jail said I was best suited for for selling shoes or parachuting; I’m leaning towards both.
     The psychological (and physical, but I’d rather not talk about it now) scars I’ve sustained via jail bird vixens have left me shaken, as I’ve mentioned. But I’m also having trouble adjusting to life on the outside: So much has changed. I feel as though the world has turned and left me here, shipwrecked, confused, and alone. Are you still in the ACESJU program? You’ve probably moved back to Bethesda by now. I imagine you’re married and raising a family. I tried calling your cell phone number, but it went to the voicemail of a plumbing supply store. Everything’s so different: There’s all this technology and huge TVs. It’s overwhelming. I hope you still check this email address. I really need help. Can you help me? I’m a ship arriving too late to save a drowning witch.

Your old friend,

 Marc Farful

"My Time In Prison"

     One day, I killed a guy. He was really mean and I killed him karate-style, so I thought everyone would be happy, but instead they said that that kind of killing was illegal. And so, away we went to my trial. My lawyer was bald and did a great job illustrating what a jerk the guy I killed was. He even let me demonstrate to the jury how I killed him karate-style -- how impressive it is -- yet, in the end, the jury felt I had crossed some line by killing the guy, karate-style or not.  

     

     Next stop: The clink.

     

     I wasn’t really worried because my friend, Steve Koser, had told me it was a pretty good time. Some of the guys were cool, but a few others took advantage of the fact that I was a “fresh fish,” as they put it, and told me to act out so I could get put in the hole, the best part of the prison. For future people going to jail, the hole sucks. It’s not even a hole; it’s actually just a disgusting room with no sunlight. It smells, too. Lesson learned.

     

     Slowly, I got the hang of things, which is really just sitting in a cell. Then, miraculously, I won my appeal based on a technicality. My bald lawyer had really done it. I owe him a lot -- I also owe him a lot of money and he’s quite insistent on getting it from me; I’m probably gonna stiff him on that. I mean, how much did he really do? Get a job, ya bum! Then maybe you’ll make some money.

     

     As for me, I feel like the experience pretty much sucked. I didn’t like the food or the selection of board games. I’d give it 2 1/2 stars out 5. 

     

     That was my time in prison.    

"An Afterthought"

If you’re a criminal dude and some other criminal dude cuts your finger off, hopefully it’s not the one with your wedding ring on it -- by the way, you’re married in this scenario -- because your wife, even though she probably feels sorry for you about the whole getting-your-finger-cut-off thing, might be pissed that you lost your wedding ring.

"A Thought"

I'm worthless and no good.

"My Best Idea Yet"

I'd like to see a sign on a door in a restaurant or a store that says: "For Non-Emergency Use Only."

"Mary Cee"

"Philosophy of Farful"

I wish I had all the answers; I don’t. I really have very few. The best life advice I ever heard someone give was this woman who was dying of aids. She said, “I’m trying the best I can to do the best I can.” It doesn’t get much realer than that.

"If Church Was Like A Monster Truck Rally"

"Angela"

"Fat Camp"

"Philosophy of Farful"

If you get a chance to wear snakeskin pants, do so.

"The Joke's On You"

"Philosophy of Farful"

Surround yourself with lies and you'll find the truth.

"Tough Times"

A bully at school stole all my shirts. In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have worn every shirt I owned all at once. Plus, it was a really hot day so it really didn't make sense to be wearing all those shorts, anyway.

"Philosophy of Farful"

Sometimes, life just sucks. What can you do?

"Philosophy of Farful"

I had a dream last night where a deer talked to me. My mind has been set free. The time has come to set yours free, as well.

"Philosophy of Farful"

That which does not kill us just hurts a lot and makes our lives worse.

"Philosophy of Farful"

Go to the bank with a check that's less than a hundred dollars. When the teller asks you how you would your money, say all hundreds. Do it! It'll make ya laugh, ya sad bastard.

"This Is The Kind Of Music My Mom's Into Right Now"

"Philosophy of Farful"

Best Western is a quality establishment. So even if you stay at the worst Best Western, it will be a positive experience.

Lesson: The worst of the best is still fantastic!

"I Think That Would Be Fantastic!"

I'd like to have a closet in my house that's full of skeletons -- not real ones; fake ones. But, literally, a closet just full of skeletons. I think that would be fantastic!

"Philosophy of Farful"

Let us consider our enemies: Do they hate us, or do they hate themselves? Take for instance, Skeletor's hatred for He-Man. Skeletor's a total cokehead, so does he hate He-Man, or is he always just so jacked-up on coke that he hates everybody? Plus, he's livin' an ultimately lonely life in his Castle Grayskull. He has material goods, yes, but what of his spiritual wealth? None. Thus the source of his hatred. Thus the source of his enemies. Today's lesson: Your greatest enemy may just be your most unhappiest best friend in waiting.  

"The Greatest Scene In Cinematic History"

"I'd Like To . . . "

I'd like to meet and become friends with an incredibly vain homeless guy, who, despite the fact he lives in a trash can, really takes care of himself.

"Baby San"

"Philosophy of Farful"

Don't pick fights, win fights.

"Philosophy of Farful"

Lying can be like a credit card: you might not pay now, but you will certainly pay later -- and most likely with interest.

"Philosophy of Farful"

When life hands you lemons, hand life a hand grenade. BOOM! Take that life, you no-good, lemon-giving son-of-a-bitch! I'll kill you! I'LL KILL YOU!!!!!!!

"Philosophy of Farful"

If nothing's coming to you, why don't you go to it?

"Philosophy of Farful"

Anxiety is like a river that will cause you much pain and discomfort.

"Philosophy of Farful"

Don't take quaaludes.

"Philosophy of Farful"

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. And if that doesn't work, quit and do something else, because you clearly couldn't hack it at that first thing you were trying.

"Philosophy of Farful"

Too many expectations, then expect to be letdown.

"Philosophy of Farful"

There are two types of women in this world: Those who would stab you and those who wouldn't. In general, you wanna go with a non-stabber.

"Check Out Our Press"

http://www.witout.net/

"Philosophy of Farful"

Don't be afraid of a little pressure: Pressure gives you diamonds.

"Philosophy of Farful"

Some days you're like an old horse: They should just take you out back and shoot you!

"Philosophy of Farful"

At night, you can dream of many things: You can dream of your dream girl, who leaves you at the altar, standing there, heartbroken. At night, you can dream of a vacuum cleaner that is also a saxophone, that even though you've never had any lessons, you can play. But come morning, it's go-time: You gotta get on your horse and ride; make things happen. The vacuum cleaner/saxophone will not invent itself.

"The Hobo Dance"

"Philosophy of Farful"

Every dog has its day: You'll have your day in the sun, even if you've spent your whole life in darkness.

"Philosophy of Farful"

When it stops being fun, hit the road, son! It's true and it rhymes.