"Learning To Swim"

 When I was five, I learned to swim in this drainage spot where a good amount of water would gather, that was located behind an apartment complex. It wasn't far from our house and I don't really remember my parents being around to say yes or no to the endeavor. I taught myself all the basics, the different strokes. You couldn't dive because it wasn't deep enough, even when it rained a lot. I remember a dog jumped in and bit me. Yikes! I went back to the spot today and took this picture and reminisced about just how horrible my childhood really was. The dog part seems especially over the top. I mean, why swim all the way into the water when he could of just bit some unsuspecting kid on the convenience of land? The mysteries of life . . .  

"CKY- Santa's Coming (HD)"

"Karla"

"What's In A Name?"

My friend and his wife just had their first child and named him Jack. I asked my friend later if they had considered naming the child Frankie Sleazeman? That was their second pick. 

"I Like To Drink And Drug"

"Thirst For Blood"

"Being An Adult?"

When I got the $1,400 stimulus check from President Biden, my first thought was to use the money to build a robot. However, I ended up using it to buy a new computer I desperately needed. I guess that's something like being an adult, I guess? 

"The Negotiating Official Trailer (2017)"

More genius from Jacy Catlin.

"My Mom's Lost Her Mind"

My mom has been ranting and raving nonstop the last four weeks about how Motley Crue's Theatre of Pain is the greatest record ever made. First off, it's not even Motley's best record--Shout at the Devil is--let alone the best record ever made! I can't even talk to her anymore. She's a goddamn lunatic! 

"I Live On The Precipice Of Death"

"Off The Sauce"

"Happy Birthday, Mom!"

My mom's a devout Catholic, but I'm thinking about getting her, for her birthday, a huge black canvas with a large red pentagram in the middle, and above it, in red letters, it will read: HAIL SATAN! 

I think she'll appreciate the humor. 

"My Parents Are In Jail"

"You know, that guy from Christmas"

An absolutely brilliant sketch.

"Words of Wisdom"

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step and also it's way too fucking long, especially on foot. What the fuck! It'll take the rest of your life to get there.

"The Blues"

"Acoustic Death"

"Outro"

"Fingerpicking Sucks! Death Metal Rules!"

"Saucy On Hold Music"

"Middle Ground"

"Still In Love With You"

"Wesley Willis Speaks The Truth"

"What Makes This Song Stink Ep. 3 - Weezer Beverly Hills: A Retrospective"

Pat Finnerty goes epic on this one.

"I Found Love (Alternate Version)"

"Never Dance Like This On Public Access TV"

In many ways, comedy is total commitment to an idea . . . 

"Dear Charles"

    

Hey man, I met this girl, Rachel. She works at an ice cream store. Twenty-two. Beautiful. Total pathological liar. Don’t know how I pulled it off, but we’re getting married August 15th, on the 30th street beach in Avalon. I’d love for you to be a groomsman, and obviously Amanda is invited. We’re just gonna have a justice of the peace and everyone is going to wear football uniforms (you gotta supply your own.) 

It’s BYOB and for the reception we’re gonna get loaded and play a game of football, full pads, full-contact, leave your bullshit at home. They’ll prob’ly be a thousand people there, so it might get confusing. Do your best. Plus, no one really has uniforms to indicate what team they’re on, but I’m 100% committed to this idea: It’s Rachel’s dream so we’re fucking doing it! 

In lieu of gifts, we don’t want shit! Nothing! Nothing from nobody! Rachel makes good money off her tips and we don’t need anybody! You hear me!!! We’re gonna take on this world and we’re gonna make it! 

Hope you and Amanda can make it. God bless. RSVP by just, ya know, replying to this message.

P.S. 

Do you think I’ll be murdered by a serial killer? Rachel keeps talking about how it’s going to happen. 

"My Dog Passed Away"

"This Should Be A New Rule"

When they say Robocop when you're looking what's on TV at night, it should say New Robocop. I've gotten really excited twice in the last two days, only to be severely let down. 

"My Wife's Trying To Kill Me"

"Just Some of Andy Kaufman's Genius"

"Lamest Moment In Music History"

 If Chris Gaines is the lamest moment in music history, Garth Brooks is the second.

"Cannonball 2!: Son of Cannonball"

"A Brief History Of My Figure Skating To Date"

As a young figure skater, I was often compared to Kristi Yamaguchi and my style was described as "hauntingly feminine." However, when high school rolled around, I was kind of in and out of the sport, often seen as a dilettante and a manchild who could soar through the air on his way to completing a triple axel. But it was in college that I really got back into it, redefining the sport as I simultaneously fed my brain with knowledge and wore spandex shorts year-round. Yet then I graduated and it was "Time for a real job. And take off those spandex shorts!" Well, here I am, sixteen years down the pike, and it's time to frighten people with leotards and the kind of aggressive, yet feminine, figure skating that made people believe anything was possible.   

"Jacy Catlin Is A Genius"

"My Mom's New Front Door Sign"

 Very classy, mom.

"Itsy Bitsy Spider - Metal Shred Guitar Version"

"My Mom's New Doormat Finally Arrived!"

Very classy, mom.

"Curtain Call"

"The Smell of Rotting Human Flesh"

"Lonely Street"

"Rage"

Comedic and artistic genius!

"Not to Repeat the Same"

"No Way Out (The Pentagram)"

"Shark Attack"

"I Will Be Dead!"

"My Friend, Jeff"

I'm worried about my friend, Jeff: I write him all these great, funny messages online and he barely replies. I drove by his house and dumped garbage on his front lawn, but he didn't cheer up one bit. I'm going to light his garage on fire to try and drag him out of this desperate hole he's in. I'll drive my car through his fucking living room, if I have to! I'll do whatever it takes!!! I love you, Jeff!!! I'm coming for you, buddy!!!

"Ian MacKaye Is The Greatest"

"Charles Grodin's Comedic Genius!"

"Hungry for Love"

"Demo Button Free Jazz"

"Your Whole Life Is Over" (remix)

"It Was The Janitor, In The Toilet, With The Plunger!"

I think the game Clue should include a new character, the Janitor, who could kill you in the toilet, with the plunger. 

"Happy Birthday To You" (Metal Shred Guitar Version)

"New Painting!"

 Really been working on my art during the pandemic.

"Bury Me in the Ground"

"CALLING IN "SICK" TO PLACES YOU DON'T WORK!"

This is gold!

"How Ya Like Me Now (Rap Rock Cover)"

"Have A Great Day"

"I Was Having A Horrible Day Until This"

"Those That Run"

Some run for the trophy, for the medal, for first place. While others, the pure among us, run simply for the sensation of the burning in their lungs. And then, there's others that don't run at all because why are we running? I mean, it's really tiring and we're not getting chased. You know what I mean?

"Crash Diet"

"Buckethead Guitar Tribute"

"My Life" (The Movie)