"Fifth-Grade Birthday Party"

*Dedicated to Jess*

It was my fifth-grade birthday party and, man, I had to deliver. You see, I had just started at a new school and this birthday party was a lovely opportunity to put myself in good stead with my fellow classmates—well, actually just the boys (we were all ten and eleven so girls weren’t really in the picture yet). Anywho, I had the situation on lockdown: I (my mom) rented out an arcade—yes, an arcade—and she gave each partygoer five dollars in quarters—actually, some greedy ones more—to play the awesome video games at my awesome arcade-rented-out birthday parté.

Everything was going swimmingly. Then came time for food, then cake, then presents.

This is where my awesome party became significantly less awesome.

Most of the presents were not very good, HOWEVER, things took a turn for whatever exists below worse with two particularly atrocious “gifts.”

We’re talkin’ monstrosities here, people.

Exhibit A: Five dollars and a birthday card from three people. Yes, three—count ‘em: one, two, three—people. But then things crashed through rock bottom when the following was bestowed upon me: a T-shirt, the design of which, depicted “God’s Creation” by Michelangelo with a twist—the finger of man was not touching the finger of God, but rather the utter of a cow. ?!?. And check this out: it said Milkalangelo beneath the design. And perhaps what stung the most is that a lot of these kids were/still are wealthy-to-extremely wealthy. What I’m sayin’ is, I’m pretty sure they could of afforded more than a birthday card and five bucks spread three ways. And as far as the Milkalangelo shirt, it was clearly a T-shirt to be worn in public with great trepidation.