"You Ever See A Guitar Solo SO GOOD You Can't Believe What You Heard?!"

"And We're Off!"

It's the New Year and the first order of business has been trying to obtain a correctly-sized calendar for my bureau, since I have the memory of a 900-year-old man. Usually, my mom gives me a calendar because she, for some reason, always has an extra one -- but this year it was way too small. Thrown into a panic, my mom came to the rescue and said she'd just pick up another one when she next went shopping. Then she showed up with this gigantic slab of a calendar and we're right back where we started, although things seem more desperate, as we can't seem to just buy a normal calendar.

Living in a world where everything is so constantly up in the air, having this calendar situation solved takes on such incredible importance. There's really no telling what will happen. My life is careening more and more out of control without a solid calendar to fall back on. Tomorrow, we try again. Let's hope for the best . . .    

"Jazz (As An Actual Jazz Song)"

"Toothbrush"

I think I'm using my Oral-B electric toothbrush incorrectly. That's all for now.

"Great Latin Class Moments"

Sophomore year. Latin class. People had been forgetting their books . . . A student, let's call him "Brian," -- the nicest, most assuming kid you''ll ever meet -- gets called on to translate. 

Silence.

Brian, slowly, fearful: "I forgot my book."

The teacher sighs, quietly furious. He heads over to his desk (where there's a stack of books), and as he does, Brian gets up, making his way to meet the teacher halfway, when -- BAM! the teacher, without turning around, flings an extra book into Brian's face, who's now only a few feet behind him. 

Everyone is horrified -- plus, that can't be good for the teacher's career -- while, Brian, holding his face, stumbles about searching for the book, then falls to the ground.

He 

"43 Minute Air Drumming Workout with Andrew W.K."

"BOOM!"

When I was eighteen, I was out walking, wearing this white T-shirt that read in large black lettering: I BEAT MIKE TYSON'S PUNCH OUT. A kid coming the other way stopped and said: Hey, I beat that game." I smiled. "Didn't make a shirt, though."

BOOM! He kept going, leaving me there lit up up like a Christmas tree.