"Updated Dating Profile"

That first one didn't really catch any fish, so: 

The pictures below capture a man beset by, yes, incredible handsomeness--but also tortured by the restless pain of everyday existence; akin to the quiet despair of an old man, who can't party like he used to.

Me: Let's get down to brass tacs, ladies: Should you choose me? I wouldn't: I spend all day with myself and it's awful. I mean, right now I'm listening to David Koresh music and forgetting my sweatshirts and jackets everywhere--I left one in Delaware. Getting it back sucked.

5'11.

"Setting A Bad Example"

I feel like this photograph is a bad example because it promotes guns, fire, and smoking all in one.

"Say Yes To Love"

Experimental noise song featuring Sonic Youth and Neil Diamond.

"Georgia Peach"

Country song about those beautiful Georgia peaches.

"Double Bed"

I sleep now in a double bed and it's horrific! It's like a table for two with only one person at it. It's such a creepy, lonely feeling; I keep looking over at the other side of the bed expecting to see someone--but NO! It's just me with no one--no one to talk to, no one to hold my hand, caress my sweet hair and tell me everything's going to be all right. So I'm sunk! But I have an idea: I love skeletons, so I'm gonna get one of those cheap plastic skeletons and talk to him. He'll probably be reading a book (some mystery novel) and we'll joke about how trashy it is, and what happened to real literature? TV? Cell phones? Ah, what can you do? You know, skeleton? 

"Merry Christmas, I Hope You Die!"

Brutal death metal song about Christmas gone wrong.

"Keyboard"

"Where'd you get that keyboard?"
"It was my grandfather's."