"The Dumbest Advice I've Heard In Awhile"

 "If I had my life to live over, I'd make all the same mistakes. I'd just make them sooner."

Why wouldn't you not make the same mistakes and only make the best decisions? And why would making them sooner necessarily be any better?

"New Car!"

 This is my new car . . . and, yes, I'm getting a lot of women because of it.

"Science Camp"

"Head Wound: The Movie"

"Retirement"

 I wonder if a good retirement present is pizza, assuming that person likes pizza. 

"I Have A Stain On My Pants"

I have a stain on my pants. Usually this wouldn't be a problem, but I just put a load of laundry in and then I noticed once I'd left the apartment--the stain. Is it excessive to wash the pants by themselves next--I mean, if I wait, can a stain really get worse? I don't know: I failed science. Christ! What I wouldn't give to go back in time and pay attention in science class! I was such a know-it-all asshole jerk!

Anyway, I'm totally lost here. If anyone knows what to do, please call me at 610-715-2938. I'll be waiting for your call.   

"If Misery Loves Company . . ."